so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
