at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
