You smell like stripper and shame
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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