2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
