But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
