I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
