Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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