If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You pole danced in your parka.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
