My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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