what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
