He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize