he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
