I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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