Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
