seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
