All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
