Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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