so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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