Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
They took my balls.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
