Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
