He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
