Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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