there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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