John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
