I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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