I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
