Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
