Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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