genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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