Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
