just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
