: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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