My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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