You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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