I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
