the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
