Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
