fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
