Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
