K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize