I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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