Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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