i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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