She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
