my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
