you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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