3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
