The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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