New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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