Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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