i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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