Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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