I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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