My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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