My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Damn victory sex feels great
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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