he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
