i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
