haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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