I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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