**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
