Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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