dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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